This is a long message I sent to one of my absolute very best friends. I told her I realized I didn't want to go to school next year, and she asked what happened. At first, I didn't quite no what to say. It was more of a strong stubborn negative feeling towards the idea of going back. Previous to the message below, I had talked to another girl, who seems to be enjoying herself with school and life. I, on the other hand am not.
I feel like I am in a rut. Even though I should feel like I am accomplishing something by studying my second year of post secondary, I feel like I am not going anywhere. I feel like I am failing. (I am failing calculus, but that is besides the point.)
I feel like I should be focusing on my health and happiness. I need to get myself under control before I carry on with my education. I feel like going to school is definitely the right idea, but right now, with such low motivation, I feel like I am just getting myself into a hole, digging deeper, and deeper into unhappiness and bad grades. School is not worth it. Even if I do stick it, and chug along, I feel like I won't do as well as I could. I know I have lots of potential to do well in school, but I feel like I am just wasting my time and energy.
At the same time, when I think of what I would rather be doing, I just get so overwhelmed at the possibilities. There are so many things I could be doing! I can think of so many different scenarios where I would be much happier.
Ah! Young adulthood is so overwhelming! I know that when I think back to these times when I am much older I will laugh at my silly, emotional, panicking self. I just hope that when I look back, I can look upon a happy, free spirited time. A time where there was great vigour!
Anyway, here is the message, as promised.
"I don't know if you ever talk to veronika or see her on facebook, but sometimes I do. And I realized, that she is going to school to do something that she has a passion for. She is enjoying school. Also, she is not stuck in dinky little terrace. I think, that even if it is dumb, I should turn down alcan because i don't want to go to school next year.
Yes, it would be nice to finish my bachelor of science (whats that for short? bsci?) and then take a break from school before i go to optometry school. But Whats the point of going to school if i'm going to do shitty, and not want to learn, and have a shitty gpa?
I feel like I am in a rut. Even though I should feel like I am accomplishing something by studying my second year of post secondary, I feel like I am not going anywhere. I feel like I am failing. (I am failing calculus, but that is besides the point.)
I feel like I should be focusing on my health and happiness. I need to get myself under control before I carry on with my education. I feel like going to school is definitely the right idea, but right now, with such low motivation, I feel like I am just getting myself into a hole, digging deeper, and deeper into unhappiness and bad grades. School is not worth it. Even if I do stick it, and chug along, I feel like I won't do as well as I could. I know I have lots of potential to do well in school, but I feel like I am just wasting my time and energy.
At the same time, when I think of what I would rather be doing, I just get so overwhelmed at the possibilities. There are so many things I could be doing! I can think of so many different scenarios where I would be much happier.
Ah! Young adulthood is so overwhelming! I know that when I think back to these times when I am much older I will laugh at my silly, emotional, panicking self. I just hope that when I look back, I can look upon a happy, free spirited time. A time where there was great vigour!
Anyway, here is the message, as promised.
"I don't know if you ever talk to veronika or see her on facebook, but sometimes I do. And I realized, that she is going to school to do something that she has a passion for. She is enjoying school. Also, she is not stuck in dinky little terrace. I think, that even if it is dumb, I should turn down alcan because i don't want to go to school next year.
Yes, it would be nice to finish my bachelor of science (whats that for short? bsci?) and then take a break from school before i go to optometry school. But Whats the point of going to school if i'm going to do shitty, and not want to learn, and have a shitty gpa?
Some people, like veronika, know exactly what they want to do, and they follow their dreams. Other people, like Kayla, have no real passion, just a few ideas of what might be a nice career.
Who says I can't take my time with the school thing. I think it's a waste of money to go to school without any motivation or real goals that I want to acheive.
Sure I think that being an optometrist is a super cool career, but why do I want to start my career right now?
No. I refuse.
I don't want my future to be planned out right now. I don't want structure and stability at this part in my life. I know it sounds crazy, but I want to live like a nomad for a while. I want to try out a million different things, and see what I like best. I want to learn different languages and be completely immersed in a different culture. I wan't to experience culture shock and be totaly out of my comfort zone!
Have you ever watched HBO? They have this amazing show called "Live there, buy that," and maybe I'll end up living somewhere like Thailand, or Persia, or Peru for a while!
Ah, maybe I am just crazy, and maybe it's just a fleeting feeling, but maybe that is what my heart and guts are trying to tell me to do, and maybe for once in my life I should listen.
No matter what happens next year, I have to choose either school or work and coaching. I can't do both, and right now I feel much more strongly towards coaching. I think I can go somewhere with it, for a while at least. I can coach gymnastics anywhere in the world.
I can settle down and focus on school and big girl things after."
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