Tuesday, 22 January 2013

Silly Girl

Isn't it funny.
Isn't it funny how one person can take up all the space in your head! How one person can make you feel so happy!

It's actually nuts. I don't even have any nuts, i've lost all of my nuts to him.

Anyway, I completely forgot the whole point of this, and now I have to get to work.

Monday evening, January 21, 2013.

Yay :)

Monday, 5 November 2012

Raw, In-the-Moment, Unabridged, thoughts

 This is a long message I sent to one of my absolute very best friends. I told her I realized I didn't want to go to school next year, and she asked what happened. At first, I didn't quite no what to say. It was more of a strong stubborn negative feeling towards the idea of going back. Previous to the message below, I had talked to another girl, who seems to be enjoying herself with school and life. I, on the other hand am not.
I feel like I am in a rut. Even though I should feel like I am accomplishing something by studying my second year of post secondary, I feel like I am not going anywhere. I feel like I am failing. (I am failing calculus, but that is besides the point.)
I feel like I should be focusing on my health and happiness. I need to get myself under control before I carry on with my education. I feel like going to school is definitely the right idea, but right now, with such low motivation, I feel like I am just getting myself into a hole, digging deeper, and deeper into unhappiness and bad grades. School is not worth it. Even if I do stick it, and chug along, I feel like I won't do as well as I could. I know I have lots of potential to do well in school, but I feel like I am just wasting my time and energy.
At the same time, when I think of what I would rather be doing, I just get so overwhelmed at the possibilities. There are so many things I could be doing! I can think of so many different scenarios where I would be much happier.
Ah! Young adulthood is so overwhelming! I know that when I think back to these times when I am much older I will laugh at my silly, emotional, panicking self. I just hope that when I look back, I can look upon a happy, free spirited time. A time where there was great vigour!

Anyway, here is the message, as promised.

"I don't know if you ever talk to veronika or see her on facebook, but sometimes I do. And I realized, that she is going to school to do something that she has a passion for. She is enjoying school. Also, she is not stuck in dinky little terrace. I think, that even if it is dumb, I should turn down alcan because i don't want to go to school next year.
Yes, it would be nice to finish my bachelor of science (whats that for short? bsci?) and then take a break from school before i go to optometry school. But Whats the point of going to school if i'm going to do shitty, and not want to learn, and have a shitty gpa?
I know that one day i will go back to school in a few years, maybe even after one year, but fuck alcan money, ill take out a student loan like everyone else. in the meantime i want to coach, and try to coach abroad. I am going to do young adult things like travel and explore and figure out what i want to do. whyyyyyyyyyyyy am i rushing into school and things?
Some people, like veronika, know exactly what they want to do, and they follow their dreams. Other people, like Kayla, have no real passion, just a few ideas of what might be a nice career.
Who says I can't take my time with the school thing. I think it's a waste of money to go to school without any motivation or real goals that I want to acheive.
Sure I think that being an optometrist is a super cool career, but why do I want to start my career right now?
No. I refuse.
I don't want my future to be planned out right now. I don't want structure and stability at this part in my life. I know it sounds crazy, but I want to live like a nomad for a while. I want to try out a million different things, and see what I like best. I want to learn different languages and be completely immersed in a different culture. I wan't to experience culture shock and be totaly out of my comfort zone!
Have you ever watched HBO? They have this amazing show called "Live there, buy that," and maybe I'll end up living somewhere like Thailand, or Persia, or Peru for a while!
Ah, maybe I am just crazy, and maybe it's just a fleeting feeling, but maybe that is what my heart and guts are trying to tell me to do, and maybe for once in my life I should listen.
No matter what happens next year, I have to choose either school or work and coaching. I can't do both, and right now I feel much more strongly towards coaching. I think I can go somewhere with it, for a while at least. I can coach gymnastics anywhere in the world.
I can settle down and focus on school and big girl things after."

Sunday, 23 September 2012

Blow Away

"It's the time we say that no one's gonna take your place, it's a mistake to blow away."

The wise words of Alison Sudol from A Fine Frenzy.
I just ended things with my boyfriend. I can not believe that I thought he was so perfect in the beginning.

I really have nothing to say about it anymore. I just feel like I was fooled. Like Ali said, it's just a mistake to blow away.


Speaking of awesome lyrics. I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. I'm just going to start listing some lyrics and quotes that I like, tattoo worthy or not.


 “Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.” dumbledore
It's always darkest before the dawn.
Say what you want what you say say anything. No one knows how deep it goes.
Be a model of freedom
The many winged escape
Into the wild
Don't let the world harden you
carpe diem
It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off.
balance
Keep following the heartlines (on your hand)
Don't just exist, live
Life's a beautiful thing, and there's so much to smile about-marylin munroe
I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to- jimi hendrix
It doesn't matter what it is, if it gets you where you wanna go.
Create yourself
what if life is the second chance?
“Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.” dumbledore
To hurt is as human as to breathe


Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Weaving!

 Hello,


So. Let's talk about relationships. And life.

The path of life is a tough road, but it's much easier to walk through with somebody at your side.
There may be lots of twists and turns, uphills, downhills, pot-holes, stop signs, tunnels, and many many many forks in the road. The road may also be freshly paved, have bridges to get you across treacherous waters, or be decorated with beautiful flowers, trees, and scenery on either side. You may even discover a unicorn in a rainbow filled pasture as you're walking by!

The point I'm trying to make is that life has its ups and downs, but no matter what your going through, you're going to want to share your experiences with someone. I know that if I found a unicorn in a rainbow filled pasture, I would most certainly want somebody else to see it with me! Then I'd have someone to back me up when people called me crazy.

And the thing I'm realizing is...
It shouldn't matter who walks beside you as long as they make you happy, or you feel happy to be beside them.
Relationships are just connections with people, if you are happy with someone, then be with them. And as for boyfriends, they shouldn't be seen as... such a big deal. I mean, don't rush into commitment. Because if you choose to be with someone it should be your best effort that you put in, not to have a boyfriend just because they are there.
That's not to say you shouldn't be able to hang out with boys.

The whole idea I'm trying to get across is that you have one long road of life, and all sorts of people will be walking in and out of it with you. Therefore, there's no need to worry about complicating certain relationships by putting labels on them or forcing commitments.
It's almost like people are weaving in and out of your life, some will stay for the long run, while others will merely pass through once their time is up in helping you along your way.

I hope this made sense. Sometimes things are better left to be unexplained thoughts- without bothering to make sense of them.



"I think you and I should just drink on it. Put our heads together and think on it. Maybe later on we can sleep on it, but for right now we just need to drink on it."

"Life's a lonely, winding ride. Better have the right one by your side."

"Life's like a highway, I wanna ride it all night long. If your going my way I wanna drive it all night long!"




On a side note, I'm a javelin coach?

Friday, 30 March 2012

Ow :(

"Think about the good things no matter what they say. We'll take tomorrow baby one day at a time"

My heart. Has never hurt so much before in it's life.
Ouch. :(

I don't remember a day of my life when I didn't have my cat Kenny.
And I'm not sure if I can wrap my head around the fact that he will be gone forever on Monday.


It's good to be aware of death and how it can creep into your life in some way at any time.
I think I am often aware of it.
There are have been many nights when I lay awake and wonder. I wonder what I would do or how I would feel if somebody I loved passed away- even my kitty. I knew one day this would happen.

And now the time is coming. We are putting him down because he has a brain tumor. He has been acting weird the past while, and is just getting increasingly worse. We don't want him to keep on living if life is painful for him. He is fourteen years old and I even vaguely remember the first day we got him. He was born on my Aunt's farm and we drove him all the way back home from Smithers. I was so excited :).

Now I don't even know what to say anymore.

It is a horrible feeling. Having part of your life being ripped away from you.


I just think how he won't be around to play with the wrapping paper next Christmas. He won't be climbing trees, basking in the summer sun, "making cookies" on my lap, or cuddling me to sleep, or walking over the laptop keyboard anymore. He won't be there sitting on the porch, greeting me, when I come home.

Kenny was so goofy, he always made our family laugh. In a sense, he was the glue that held us together. Kenny never took sides, he had a special relationship with us all.
When I was a kid, he would follow me to the bus stop- always looking out for me.

Even though it is hard, I must celebrate his life and always think back on the good memories with a smile.
I must be grateful that I had an amazing cat like that all. He was one of a kind, a cat for even those who disliked cats to like.

Often in the summer you could find him laying underneath our rosebush.
That's where we are going to bury him.

I hope you rest in peace Kenny. <3





Friday, 9 March 2012

Grawr

Hey,

I just wanted to say what the fuck, fuck you!

Ahhh... that's a little better.

Sunday, 4 March 2012

Hello

"I just came to say hello"

Linette, this is for you.

You are my one and only true love. And I love Taymie waymie too.
So. This is my blog post. After I got home from some lame party. Henry Hart is his name. Guess how old he is..... he is in grade TEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! "Dude nice" is a phrase I have not said so many time in my life. So. Life is good. Ewald is super awesome. Thanks for driving me home! Shout out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaaand goodnight to you all!