Raw, In-the-Moment, Unabridged, thoughts

 This is a long message I sent to one of my absolute very best friends. I told her I realized I didn't want to go to school next year, and she asked what happened. At first, I didn't quite no what to say. It was more of a strong stubborn negative feeling towards the idea of going back. Previous to the message below, I had talked to another girl, who seems to be enjoying herself with school and life. I, on the other hand am not.
I feel like I am in a rut. Even though I should feel like I am accomplishing something by studying my second year of post secondary, I feel like I am not going anywhere. I feel like I am failing. (I am failing calculus, but that is besides the point.)
I feel like I should be focusing on my health and happiness. I need to get myself under control before I carry on with my education. I feel like going to school is definitely the right idea, but right now, with such low motivation, I feel like I am just getting myself into a hole, digging deeper, and deeper into unhappiness and bad grades. School is not worth it. Even if I do stick it, and chug along, I feel like I won't do as well as I could. I know I have lots of potential to do well in school, but I feel like I am just wasting my time and energy.
At the same time, when I think of what I would rather be doing, I just get so overwhelmed at the possibilities. There are so many things I could be doing! I can think of so many different scenarios where I would be much happier.
Ah! Young adulthood is so overwhelming! I know that when I think back to these times when I am much older I will laugh at my silly, emotional, panicking self. I just hope that when I look back, I can look upon a happy, free spirited time. A time where there was great vigour!

Anyway, here is the message, as promised.

"I don't know if you ever talk to veronika or see her on facebook, but sometimes I do. And I realized, that she is going to school to do something that she has a passion for. She is enjoying school. Also, she is not stuck in dinky little terrace. I think, that even if it is dumb, I should turn down alcan because i don't want to go to school next year.
Yes, it would be nice to finish my bachelor of science (whats that for short? bsci?) and then take a break from school before i go to optometry school. But Whats the point of going to school if i'm going to do shitty, and not want to learn, and have a shitty gpa?

I know that one day i will go back to school in a few years, maybe even after one year, but fuck alcan money, ill take out a student loan like everyone else. in the meantime i want to coach, and try to coach abroad. I am going to do young adult things like travel and explore and figure out what i want to do. whyyyyyyyyyyyy am i rushing into school and things?
Some people, like veronika, know exactly what they want to do, and they follow their dreams. Other people, like Kayla, have no real passion, just a few ideas of what might be a nice career.
Who says I can't take my time with the school thing. I think it's a waste of money to go to school without any motivation or real goals that I want to acheive.
Sure I think that being an optometrist is a super cool career, but why do I want to start my career right now?
No. I refuse.
I don't want my future to be planned out right now. I don't want structure and stability at this part in my life. I know it sounds crazy, but I want to live like a nomad for a while. I want to try out a million different things, and see what I like best. I want to learn different languages and be completely immersed in a different culture. I wan't to experience culture shock and be totaly out of my comfort zone!
Have you ever watched HBO? They have this amazing show called "Live there, buy that," and maybe I'll end up living somewhere like Thailand, or Persia, or Peru for a while!
Ah, maybe I am just crazy, and maybe it's just a fleeting feeling, but maybe that is what my heart and guts are trying to tell me to do, and maybe for once in my life I should listen.
No matter what happens next year, I have to choose either school or work and coaching. I can't do both, and right now I feel much more strongly towards coaching. I think I can go somewhere with it, for a while at least. I can coach gymnastics anywhere in the world.
I can settle down and focus on school and big girl things after."

Blow Away

"It's the time we say that no one's gonna take your place, it's a mistake to blow away."

The wise words of Alison Sudol from A Fine Frenzy.
I just ended things with my boyfriend. I can not believe that I thought he was so perfect in the beginning.

I really have nothing to say about it anymore. I just feel like I was fooled. Like Ali said, it's just a mistake to blow away.


Speaking of awesome lyrics. I've been thinking of getting a tattoo. I'm just going to start listing some lyrics and quotes that I like, tattoo worthy or not.


 “Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.” dumbledore
It's always darkest before the dawn.
Say what you want what you say say anything. No one knows how deep it goes.
Be a model of freedom
The many winged escape
Into the wild
Don't let the world harden you
carpe diem
It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off.
balance
Keep following the heartlines (on your hand)
Don't just exist, live
Life's a beautiful thing, and there's so much to smile about-marylin munroe
I'm the one that's got to die when it's time for me to die, so let me live my life the way I want to- jimi hendrix
It doesn't matter what it is, if it gets you where you wanna go.
Create yourself
what if life is the second chance?
“Let us step into the night and pursue that flighty temptress, adventure.” dumbledore
To hurt is as human as to breathe

Weaving!

 Hello,


So. Let's talk about relationships. And life.

The path of life is a tough road, but it's much easier to walk through with somebody at your side.
There may be lots of twists and turns, uphills, downhills, pot-holes, stop signs, tunnels, and many many many forks in the road. The road may also be freshly paved, have bridges to get you across treacherous waters, or be decorated with beautiful flowers, trees, and scenery on either side. You may even discover a unicorn in a rainbow filled pasture as you're walking by!

The point I'm trying to make is that life has its ups and downs, but no matter what your going through, you're going to want to share your experiences with someone. I know that if I found a unicorn in a rainbow filled pasture, I would most certainly want somebody else to see it with me! Then I'd have someone to back me up when people called me crazy.

And the thing I'm realizing is...
It shouldn't matter who walks beside you as long as they make you happy, or you feel happy to be beside them.
Relationships are just connections with people, if you are happy with someone, then be with them. And as for boyfriends, they shouldn't be seen as... such a big deal. I mean, don't rush into commitment. Because if you choose to be with someone it should be your best effort that you put in, not to have a boyfriend just because they are there.
That's not to say you shouldn't be able to hang out with boys.

The whole idea I'm trying to get across is that you have one long road of life, and all sorts of people will be walking in and out of it with you. Therefore, there's no need to worry about complicating certain relationships by putting labels on them or forcing commitments.
It's almost like people are weaving in and out of your life, some will stay for the long run, while others will merely pass through once their time is up in helping you along your way.

I hope this made sense. Sometimes things are better left to be unexplained thoughts- without bothering to make sense of them.



"I think you and I should just drink on it. Put our heads together and think on it. Maybe later on we can sleep on it, but for right now we just need to drink on it."

"Life's a lonely, winding ride. Better have the right one by your side."

"Life's like a highway, I wanna ride it all night long. If your going my way I wanna drive it all night long!"




On a side note, I'm a javelin coach?

Ow :(

"Think about the good things no matter what they say. We'll take tomorrow baby one day at a time"

My heart. Has never hurt so much before in it's life.
Ouch. :(

I don't remember a day of my life when I didn't have my cat Kenny.
And I'm not sure if I can wrap my head around the fact that he will be gone forever on Monday.


It's good to be aware of death and how it can creep into your life in some way at any time.
I think I am often aware of it.
There are have been many nights when I lay awake and wonder. I wonder what I would do or how I would feel if somebody I loved passed away- even my kitty. I knew one day this would happen.

And now the time is coming. We are putting him down because he has a brain tumor. He has been acting weird the past while, and is just getting increasingly worse. We don't want him to keep on living if life is painful for him. He is fourteen years old and I even vaguely remember the first day we got him. He was born on my Aunt's farm and we drove him all the way back home from Smithers. I was so excited :).

Now I don't even know what to say anymore.

It is a horrible feeling. Having part of your life being ripped away from you.


I just think how he won't be around to play with the wrapping paper next Christmas. He won't be climbing trees, basking in the summer sun, "making cookies" on my lap, or cuddling me to sleep, or walking over the laptop keyboard anymore. He won't be there sitting on the porch, greeting me, when I come home.

Kenny was so goofy, he always made our family laugh. In a sense, he was the glue that held us together. Kenny never took sides, he had a special relationship with us all.
When I was a kid, he would follow me to the bus stop- always looking out for me.

Even though it is hard, I must celebrate his life and always think back on the good memories with a smile.
I must be grateful that I had an amazing cat like that all. He was one of a kind, a cat for even those who disliked cats to like.

Often in the summer you could find him laying underneath our rosebush.
That's where we are going to bury him.

I hope you rest in peace Kenny. <3

Grawr

Hey,

I just wanted to say what the fuck, fuck you!

Ahhh... that's a little better.

Hello

"I just came to say hello"

Linette, this is for you.

You are my one and only true love. And I love Taymie waymie too.
So. This is my blog post. After I got home from some lame party. Henry Hart is his name. Guess how old he is..... he is in grade TEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!! "Dude nice" is a phrase I have not said so many time in my life. So. Life is good. Ewald is super awesome. Thanks for driving me home! Shout out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aaaaaand goodnight to you all!

"I Ain't Settling For Anything Less Than Everything"

Hello!
So.
I was just talking to my friend, and I brought up how I wanted to get out of this town so bad. This is because I feel very limited, in many aspects.
Number one, the boy situation, obviously. Now, I am very used to being single, I've only not been single for six months out of my whole life. So I'm not the type to need a boy to make me feel happy. Let's face it, this is a small town and everybody knows everybody here! There really isn't much selection. I've either grown up with them my whole life, or I know somebody who has dated them, or my parents know their parents, or something awkward like that.
And say none of that matters, say I end up kind of liking somebody. I don't want to settle for someone just because they are the only one I like out of the boys that I have to choose from.
I need to get out of this town and go somewhere bigger. I need to get out and meet people and run into somebody I go crazy for. I don't want to go for just any guy, when there could be somebody way better for me somewhere else. Do you know what I'm trying to get at?

I need "wide open spaces, room to make her big mistakes. She needs new faces, she knows the high stakes."

Number two, do you ever just feel like you have so much potential for this world. So full of ambition to do something wonderful- for yourself, for other people, and for the planet. But for crying out loud, you just don't know for what! You know that you have so many options, so many different paths you can go down, so much room for mistakes, so much time to make changes, and it's really quite overwhelming. I feel that if I stay in this town for too much longer that I will lose it. I am craving to get out and experience other things, to tear down the fences.
I also fear that if I stay here for too long that I will lose the ambition and the feeling like I am meant for more than this.


Don't get me wrong, I love this small town. I was born and raised here, and I love the small town feel. I really do like the fact that I can go to Safeway and run into people I know every single time. You never feel like your are alone in the middle of a huge crowd like you may feel in the city.

Well, bedtime. I know good things will come to me. It's all a matter of patience.

"Keep on dreaming even if it breaks your heart."

Soaking Up Your Words Like It's My Last Breath of Air

Wake up call after wake up call after wake up call after wake up call. When will I get it?!

My kitty is sooooooo adorable. Fuck, I just love him. ooooooooooooooooooooh teh littel kitteh, he is sooo keeewt I just want to gobble him up :)

I absolutely love when it snows :) Yet it also fills me with a bit of melancholy.

I think for once, I finally found the perfect fitting word. Melancholy is exactly right!
I think it is because every time I see the snow falling from the sky so gently, it's so beautiful, and I feel like I should go out and enjoy it by going for a walk with someone and holding their hand. Buuuuut I never do!

Soaking up your words like it's my last breath of air.
That is what I'm doing, and all that is left for now.

"My mind forgot to remind me that you're a bad idea."

I just want to go to so many places. The only reason I want to work right now is so that I can have enough money to travel.
But, if I am going to work I may as well have a good paying job that I actually enjoy doing. I'd want to be able to help people. Might as well save the world a little bit by trying to make a difference in someone's life.

When you think about it, when you do good deeds, you may think that you're doing it for someone else, or sacrifising something of yourself, but really you are doing it for yourself. Because you feel good about yourself after. So, it's actually kind of selfish... in a way? Wierd. But it is the best kind of selfish the world can offer!

Blog Your Heart Out, Girl!

Hello,
So. I... have a whole lot of thoughts and feelings that need to be sorted out! Yes, excellent! I have a lot I need to get off of my chest. That happens every once in a while.

"It's Always Darkest Before the Dawn"

"No dawn no day I'm always in this twilight, in the shadow of your heart"


This blog post is a shout out to one of my closest and best friends, Linette! Linette Lubke everyone!
She is the apple of my eye, and when I get married, this girl gets dibs for bridesmaid!
Seriously, this little lady is just amazing. She's absolutely beautiful, intelligent, witty, hilarious, and athletically adept- she is the whole package anybody could want in any friend! She is 5 gold stars!
Do you ever meet some people who you just click with? Conversations never run dry or get boring. In fact, it's quite the opposite! Just say one word to get the ball rolling and then your just cooking with gas! I'm pretty sure we could talk for a week straight and not run out of things to say. It's excellent! If you ever find a friend like this, make sure you never let go of them. Make sure you always keep in touch. Make sure you are always there for them, because they will always be there for you. Always listen to each other because that's what good friends like these do, and they want to listen to minute of it.

So. Only because of a recent conversation, let's talk about.... soul mates. :)
You never know what life is going to throw at you. You may think you are head over heels for one person and then later on you are even more head over heels for somebody else! How do you know if the person you are with is the one for life? That is suuuuuuuuuuuuch a looooooooong tiiiiiiiiiiiiime! If you are going to play by the rules of marriage, that means that when you marry someone... you are stuck with them... for the REST. OF. YOUR. LIFE.
Life is a long time. You can't experience anything longer than your own life, so if you're going to marry somebody they better be worth it!
Wow. That's actually scary to think about.
But.
I'm sure it wouldn't be scary if you thought you found your soul mate. Now. That is an interesting thought.
First of all, is it even possible to have or find a soul mate? Secondly... if you did find a soul mate, could that person have a different soul mate that wasn't you?
These are thoughts you think when it is two thirty in the morning and you may have had a couple drinks earlier on in the night.
I really honestly do not have any specific point I'm going with this. I'm just musing :)


"No more dreaming like a girl so in love so in love, no more dreaming like a girl so in love with the wrong one"
^ Hey, true dat, Flo. True. dat.

"I'll Just Think About You 'Till There's Nothing In My Head"

Hello!

Today was the one day of the year where everyone makes the biggest deal out of nothing. They are truly making a mountain out of a molehill.
Valentines Day.
Honestly, I don't have a single problem with it. We have a mutual respect for each other. If by any chance I'm with someone at the time, we'll probably buy each other a gift. If I'm not, which, let's be honest, is generally 100% of the time, then I'll go buy some discounted chocolates! It's win-win!
So, there's really no complaining coming from me, and I don't understand why people turn it into such a huge matter. All of the "forever alone" quotes and "#singlegirlproblems" are funny for only so long. They get annoying after awhile, but I'll admit I made a few comments myself. How can you not! Although some people, they just take it one notch too far, a step over board, and cross a few too many lines.
Another thing, is how some people argue that you shouldn't give gifts to loved ones on one day of year just because you're obliged to. Well... yes and no. Yes, Valentines Day is purely a day for businesses to make a profit, and it is a little bit overrated. On the other hand... would you like to be the only girlfriend or boyfriend in the world who didn't get a gift from their lover? Hmmm...
I just think it is a nice gesture to give a gift. Of course, I think it is even sweeter to do nice things on just a regular normal day, no holidays.
Then my Youtube mentor Jenna Marbles steps in and gives viewers her two cents on gift giving.
"Here's the reality check for you. These are the gift giving holidays: your birthday and Christmas/Hanuka etc... if someone gives you flowers on Valentines Day that's super nice." Then, she goes on to explain her first "slave job" at a beauty salon."For me to spend that money on someone else knowing how many toe nails I had to clean up in order to earn it. Spending your money on other people is a really nice gesture."
She's super right! Money is hard to come by in this world, so nobody should expect anything on silly little holidays like this.
Here's the link for that video, I encourage everyone to watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LQ7wT4CUprQ&feature=plcp&context=C3083291UDOEgsToPDskLix0Pb7mDbq9evG-P93LLY
Anyway, how did Valentines Day get to be celebrated like this? After all, it is just the day that Saint Valentine got executed. Isn't that a little wack?

Wow, so what I really wanted to blog about this time was just a little... just a little bit of cute thinking I was doing the other night. It was actually kind of funny, because I was typing it out on my cellphone so I would remember what to say for my blog. Instead of saving what I wrote into my drafts, I accidentally sent it to my friend (of the boy variety)! yiiiiiiiiiikes, that was embarrassing.
So now that I got carried away with my thoughts on Valentines Day, this is what I intended to say for today.

One of my favorite things about being in a relationship? Being able to stare into their sweet eyes, and being able to lock hands (The non sweaty kind).
There's something about eyes and hands that are just so... I dunno the word, sacred? That might be a bit of a stretch. None the less, if someone touches my hand, I flip out. I don't even like holding someone's hand unless I'm with the person. When you look at someone in their eyes it's like you're staring at their soul and you're really seeing them. Especially when they are looking directly back at you. It's hard for me to look into someones eyes or hold their hand without truly being comfortable with the person.

Do you get what I'm saying? Are you picking up what I'm putting down? Are you digging what I buried?

Aaaanyway.
That's all I really wanted to say.


 "And my lips are raw as hell; I'm biting on them just to stay awake. It's not like I'm gonna need them. You won't be around to see them bleed and break."

This Is Just Bloopity Blip Blap

Hello,

I would like to start out by saying that, "Life will be life and it tends to rumple the blankets every now and then."

"Where did you find such a clever quotation?" you might ask, and I would have to tell you I found it in my head.
Heh heh ;)
On a different note, my ears finally popped from the plane ride. Eight hours later is better than never I guess.

While sitting on Air Canada today I was feeling kind of creative, or at least just in the mood to write. Throughout the whole day today I was typing out thoughts of all sorts of variety. It seems now that I am trying to write a post that the magical writing drive is slipping away. I just love when I can start writing something and it flows so smooth. I don't need to second guess if I used the right word, everything makes sense, and most importantly, I feel good about what I've written.
Oh, and it is such a terrible feeling when you are stuck, or when you want to say something so badly but the words don't come to you. They are just lagging behind time, floating out in the middle of Timbuck Two, and you get stuck.
So to sum that up: This morning= words were flowing, right now= words are stuck in mud. Boo.
I find myself constantly searching for the right word to use.
For example, in my newly found metaphor, the whole thing just dripped from my pen on to paper- that was how easy it flowed. The only thing about that, was that I spent the rest of the evening wondering if there was a better word to use instead of "rumple."

Okay I am sorry, this is an unfinished post, but I am posting it anyway just so my dedicated friend will have a little something to read tomorrow ;)
All is well that ends well.
Phew I have no clue why I said that. That doesn't have anything to do with what I was saying.
Okay tomorrow I will finish my thoughts on writing and thinking and words and partying and bullshit.

"All if the kitty cats get out their catty kits; sit and talk shit' bout this bitch and that bitch... they just wanna be heard and act like they're better than everyone else and not to feel lower."

Insert Molodious Lyric here _____ Part 1

Hello,
Here's my lyrical advice! It's not really advice, just a song to match a feeling one may get.
What favorite song of mine am I feeling today?


Almost lover- A Fine Frenzy: Have you ever fallen in love with a Smithers boy, and for such a long time you two were very close to getting together? It was so close, only the distance got in your way. :)
 "Goodbye my almost lover, goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you, can't you just let me be. So long my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. Should have known you'd bring me heartache, almost lovers always do."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lsWsasqIoyk&ob=av2e

That Side of You- Butch Walker: For when you're really into someone and you can't wait to really get to know them. ;)
"Try to make it not so hard to take everything I'm going in for. You know I can't wait to see that side of you."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=38cMM5ikywg


Home- Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros: For when you are in such a peachy love; just head over heels for each other. When you've been through everything together and you truly belong with each other.
"Holy moley, me oh my, you're the apple of my eye, girl I've never loved one like you. Man oh man, your my best friend, I'll scream it to the nothingness, there ain't nothing that I need... Let me come home, home is whenever I'm with you."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DHEOF_rcND8&ob=av2n


Feel So Close- Calvin Harris: A terrific feel good song for when you feel like you're on top of the world with the one your with.
"There's no stopping us right now, I feel so close to you right now."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dGghkjpNCQ8&ob=av2e


Keep Me In Mind- Zach Brown Band: For when you REALLY like someone but they are with another, yet you are optimistic that your turn may come next.
"Take your time and I'll be waiting. Keep me in mind, somewhere down the road you might get lonely. Keep me in mind, and I pray that someday you will love me only"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_DTZGtaELo

All This and Heaven Too- Florence and the Machine: A beautiful song about trying to figure out love. At the end of the song I'm pretty sure she figures out that love is just a huge emotional experience that doesn't have a definition.
"I would give all this and heaven too, I would give it all if only for a moment that I could just understand the meaning of the word you see, 'cause I've been scrawling it forever but it never makes sense to me at all"
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0FRPg9DS-oA

Mixtape- Butch Walker: Have you loved someone your whole life, but I guess you never told them, and then they ended up marrying somebody else? I haven't, but that would probably stink really bad.
"You gave me the best mixtape I have. Even all the bad songs ain't so bad. I just wish that there was more than that about me and you."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jW6mqhyKngs

Cowboy Take Me Away- Dixie Chicks: This is one of my theme songs. I wanna look at the horizon and not see a building standing tall as well. You can feel free to fly me as high as you can into the wild blue!
"I wanna be the only one for miles and miles except for maybe you and your simple smile."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MXMeMstVAhE&ob=av2n

Are You Gonna Kiss Me Or Not- Thompson Square: Just a sweet little song for all those lovers who aren't quite lovers yet. Somebody just make a move and quit being so shy already!"Are you gonna kiss me or not? Are we gonna do this or what? I think you know I like you a lot, you're about to miss your shot, are you gonna kiss me or not?"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDUOcHg5ijg

 Best Thing You Never Had- Butch Walker: This is one of the few songs that I hold as such a favorite that I don't even like to share it with people. I am selfish :) The title is self explanitory.
"Like romantic roadkill, my heart is all splattered. Your ego got fatter, and I hope that you're flattered, 'cause you broke this down, the best thing that you never had."


"Don't turn around and say bye again, ya, it crushes my head when you call me your friend, and I'm not the same person from back in the day- the back of the class, that you thought was gay. No I can't find the words 'cause they fell out of my mouth and it's love and I'm in it. So give me your lips, and just let me kiss them, and let's get messed up and listen to probably the mixtape I have."

Wow, I'm really just getting carried away with these links. I'm into it! I'm also in a really great mood lately, so. Yeah. Take that cruel world and college burdens, you got nothin on this girl!
Am I right? :)

Phew. Lost myself for a minute there. Now I'm back and all is well, chubby cheeks to boot!

"All These Damn Freaks, It's a Fuckin Circus"

^That song has been stuck in my head among some others for the past year and a half. Okay not really, just for like two days. :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xwbLpzQACDg

Alrighty! I figured out how to post links. I'm sooo technologically advanced!
Seriously though, this song just makes we want to get up and dance..... and get drunk, get high, get sly and get fly and whatever else he says!
Heh heh, okay maybe not, the only drugs I've taken recently have been nitrous oxide (laughing gas) and T3s.
Which brings me to what I wanted to blog about, the story of my wisdom teeth getting pulled! Such a wack experience.

So step one, don't be nervous at all. I told people I didn't want to get my teeth pulled, because, honestly, who has actually been excited for future mouth pain? Nobody, but I wasn't freaking out about getting them pulled or anything. I knew I was going to survive and I trust my dentist because I've basically been going to him since before I knew how to do a somersault.
Step two, eat a superspecialawesome delicious breakfast made by your mommy!!!!! Mmm mmm mmm, fried eggs, blueberry muffins with jam in the middle, and BACON! If you're getting your teeth pulled, make sure the last meal you will be able to chew for a while is one of your favorites and fills you up.
Step three, create an amazing playlist on your Ipod that you can jam to so you have something to drown out the noise of the drill/saw thing they use on your teeth.
Step four, make sure that you don't know where your headphones are.
Step five, jack the headphones that your friend left about a month ago. Secretly thank her for always leaving her shit behind. (love you :) )
Step six, convince your mom that she doesn't need to sit in the room with you.
Step seven, my favorite step, inhale nitrous oxide and get higher than a kite. Start to feel nice and warm and tingly.
Step eight, what is so damn funny? Pray that the dentist doesn't catch you laughing.
Step nine, close your eyes and just chill out to your tunes. Open your eyes to check that you're not as sideways as you feel. Giggle at the thought.
Step ten, revel at how much you just LOVE the song that is playing right now. Why don't you listen to it more often? You just can't get over how good these songs are and how majestic the melodies are that are being played into your ear.
Step eleven, yup, your high. Giggle a bit more.
Step twelve, when the dentist asks you how you're feeling, try your best to not sound stupid. After they put some numbing cloth things in your mouth, start to really feel weird. Not only is the rest of your body tingly numb, but now you can't even feel your mouth.
Step thirteen, mentally prepare yourself to be looking like a drooling chipmunk after this is all over.
Step fourteen, thank the dentist assistant for rubbing your arm while the dentist sticks those needles all over your mouth. When that's over, make sure to laugh really hard at something the dentist assistant says so that she will laugh back at you.
Step I'm-done-taking-steps, wait what feels like another half hour for the numbing from the needles to take their toll.
By this point, both of your lips should feel as thick and heavy as a pound of peanut butter. Go ahead and have fun smacking your lips together because it feels funny, just make sure nobody catches you.
When the dentists come back into the room to get started on the teeth pulling, ask how long the numbing will last. Three hours? Okay excellent!
Start to feel really sleepy... you probably could have fallen asleep except that you had to keep your mouth wide open.
Before you know it they are done pulling out two teeth on one side of your mouth. Laugh because that was so quick and painless! Stop laughing immediately when you taste the medication sliding down the back of your tongue, and also try not to throw up from that disgusting taste. Thank god for the water and suction thingy!
Moving on to the other side of your mouth, all is fine until they start going at your last tooth.
Ask yourself, "Why am I feeling this?!?!?! Is this supposed to happen?" Raise your hand to let them know, but realize there's no point. You couldn't say anything even if you tried. Suck it up and let him finish pulling out your tooth. It wasn't THAT bad, but you're the happiest camper when its over.
Feel 50 times better when the dentist assistant lady wipes your face with a cloth. Bring up a thought up image of how you must have looked liked; drool running down your neck, and a bloody mouth. Mentally apologize to the dentists, even though they've probably seen a lot worse.
Get upset when the dentist assistant tells you that you are now inhaling pure oxygen to flush the nitrous oxide from your system. Wish you had some N20 to take home.
Ouch! Yes now you are really starting to feel your mouth hurt.
You walk out to see your mom with your mouth completely numb, cheeks puffed out, and gauze in your mouth. You're not even close to being a hot mess, you are just a mess.
Everyone tells you how good you did and how tough you are and how awesome you are and you secretly feel really good about yourself :).
But your mouth is sooo sore and you can't really talk because it hurts and your eyes start tearing up but your still smiling because you can kind of see the humour in the situation.
"Medication." is the only thing you say to your mom when you step into the car.
When you get home and you bend over to take your shoes off, don't forget to drool all over the carpet. It's okay though because you can't feel your face anyway.
Take out the bloodiest gauze so you can swallow your pills. You try really hard to get them down but you kind of want to throw up because all you can taste is blood. You think about how Bella drank blood in the Twilight series for her baby and how she enjoyed it as if it would encourage you to swallow the pills but you can only think how much bullshit that is. Blood is gross. Breaking Dawn was a lie the whole time.
After you put new gauze back in your mouth lay down in your Dad's recliner. Don't say any words because it hurts. Just grunt, use hand motions and try to blink in Morse code to get your thoughts across to your family.
Don't eat- correction, don't drink- anything else for the rest of the night except for water to take your pills and get the taste of blood out of your mouth. Yummyness.
Realize you forgot to take your bc pill when you go to bed but say, "Screw that," because you just expertly put in fresh gauze. You'll just take two the next morning. Or the whole month's worth, your choice :P.
When you wake up the next morning feel GREAT! You didn't ooze any blood on to your pillow, and your hardly sore! Take a T3 again just in case.
Take out your gauze- no more bleeding! Make a smoothie and feel as excellent as you can. Even laugh at your chubby cheeks. Waste the rest of the day making a way too long blog post about the whole thing!

"Yeah, you're real pretty pretty, you're pretty strung out for a girl."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LZEIDvL0qcA

"Just Leave Me Your Stardust to Remember You By"

Hello,
Do you ever feel...hmm. How do I describe it? Deflated. Haha.
When you think something is going a certain way, and then, "pop!" just kidding, your an idiot for getting your hopes up. I'm sure everybody has felt that at some point. I know I have many times, and now once more. Excellent. Keep it coming.
I get all inspired by Destiny's Child or whatever to be an, "Independent Woman," with an "I depend on me," attitude. I'd feel like a tough, badass girl rockin' it on my own, just doing my thing. Then I'd basically take one look at a guy and just take it back all of a sudden as if I were just kidding about that.
Whoops!
I'm not sure what was going on there, but there's going to be no more of that from now on. I'm sticking to my guns from here on out. My little heart is too fragile for me to just toss it around like a hacky-sack. I'm in no way blaming these things on anyone else, it's my problem if I'm throwing my emotions around. I just need to start being careful with what I do with them. Back to square one.
It's kind of too bad that he'll never know, and it's kind of too bad that I want to build a wall because I always thought that I was the type that wouldn't hold back, but who would live in the moment.
Or, you know what, maybe I'm just making a mountain out of a mole hill and I'll get over it in a few days. Honestly, I do think that it is healthy to live with emotion, and to not lock your feelings away. If I went the rest of my life with just being careful all the time, how BORING would that be? No, it's good to put it all out there. It's good to feel. Not only the good feelings, but the tough ones too. It's good feel happy and excitement and love! It's good to feel anticipation, nervousness, even frustration, sadness, anger, and heartbreak. To feel wonderstruck, act on whims, and be spontaneous! That's who I am. What is life, if you don't ever feel anything? Am I right or am I right?
Go with your gut and go with the flow- that's my new motto. I just made it up, straight from the heart!

It just stings when things don't go as planned, so maybe I'll live with an open heart, but just never get my hopes up for anything. If something is going to happen, it will work out on it's own time and course.
I really am an optimist at heart.

"Guess I'm wishing my life away, with these things I'll never say"

"The Many Winged Escape"

 Hello,
Do you ever feel like you're not as good of a person compared to some people you know? Yet, it is frustrating because you know that you are an amazing person, but maybe others just don't see it? Yet. For example maybe you've done a lot of crazy things, and at first glance someone might think, "Whoa, what a crazy chick, I don't like to hear about some of the things you have done." Though, at the same time, the things you've done aren't super bad, but compared to the other person who is way better, it seems like you don't even shine when you're next to them.
You think that if only they would get to know you they would realize that you're not all that bad after all. Perhaps they would even come to see the diamond you really are hidden under that layer of dirt; they would see all of your fabulous traits, maybe even ones that you didn't know that you had.
That would be super!
But, if you didn't want to feel bad compared to someone who you think is excellent and who you admire their qualities, just compare yourself to someone that you think you're doing better than. Tada! Simple solution!
Actually, no, comparing yourself to others is probably the worst thing you can do. Just don't do it. Try to avoid it at all costs. It doesn't matter if you think you are better or worse than someone, you've just got to be yourself and try to be the best person you can be. I think people see that in others. When they actually put in effort to not be a stick in the mud in society. It's much appreciated.
I think if you just keep up with a positive attitude towards life, then it will draw other positive things towards you, equaling success and happiness.
positive attitude = more positive awesomeness = success/happiness. Yay! I just figured out the equation for life!
Hopefully people won't judge you wrongly right off the bat, but I guess if people do that, then they really aren't worth your time to convince otherwise.
You just gotta have faith in humanity.

And just remember that, "It's the time we say that no one's gonna take your place, it's a mistake to blow away"






PS. This is an example of a post where I feel I could have gotten my point across better, but due to my occasional, "good enough for me" attitude, it's going up up up!

"My Heart Ticking Like a Bomb in a Birdcage"

A Fine Frenzy. Alison Sudol. You make my heart feel happy when I listen to you :) All of your songs sound so innocent and free and elegant.
If I could put pictures to your songs, it would be the softest, purest, most gentle snow falling from the sky, or the brightest, piercing golden ray of sunlight. It would be a small candle, the only source of light in a pitch black world. It would be majestic mountains, the snow capped peaks reflecting all light.
I can't even think of anything as innocent and happy to match your voice and lyrics.

I only wish my dreams at night were as peaceful as your melodies...

Sometimes I have nice dreams, but generally, I am being chased by dinosaurs, randomly having a baby I don't want, trying to hide and escape from murderers, not being able to yell for help, not being able to run as fast as I can, and quite frequently, I try to do a floor routine, and I am so weak I'm not even able to tumble- all of them are terrifying!

Let's hope tonight is a better night :)

"Wrap a blanket around our frail little shoulders, and I'd die happily like that"

"Crazy Got Nothin' On Her"

Hello.
I didn't think this would happen, but I am having trouble with writing a blog post. It's not because I have nothing to say, but because I have SO MUCH that I want to say and sort out in my head, but I want it to come out in a nice flowing way that makes sense. I don't want to say anything and then the next day be like, "Oh I take that back..." or, "crap I should have worded that a bit differently to sound better."
Also, it feels like once I've published something, that it is automatically permanent. Not the post, but the thoughts in my head. I have so many different ways of looking at things and perspectives I don't want to post something one way and then be like, "Oh..." (<--- very descriptive reaction.)
I guess I'm just a little nervous of my thoughts being official? Gah, it is silly I know. I don't want to say I am a perfectionist, because I don't want to post something and have it be crap even though I tried really hard... I'm more of a good-enough-for-me-ist. Which, sometimes can be me setting the bar real high, or having it just thrown on the ground.
No, I would never just put the bar on the ground. That's no fun to play limbo with. But you know what I'm trying to get at anyway. Well, I guess I mean, "I" know what I'm trying to get at since I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who will be reading these. Isn't that paradoxical?
That is totally the wrong word for that context, but it just sounds cool so I'm going to leave it there.
I know what I meant and that's all that matters :)





I just realized that you can edit your posts after you've published them. And am doing so as I type. STILL. I don't like the idea of being like, "Tada! Done!" *Publish post* and then what if I don't think it's good enough?
I don't know if this is even making sense to me anymore, I should just shut up and do some studying.
Moral of the story: get your thoughts together before you say or write anything so that you're not stuck with part of a sentence and not being able to finish it.

Therapy

Hello.

I would like to officially start off this blogging thing by saying, hey if you're here right now, thanks for stopping by. You really are not obliged to. I am not blogging for attention, to get as many followers as I can, or to become a famous blogger.
I'm just doing this for me.
I would just like a place to somewhat officially sort out my thoughts.
This is purely therapeutic.
And also a great way to touch up on writing skills, which always needs to get worked on.
So, if this is somebody other than myself reading this, sheesh I dunno, don't feel bad to ex out of this page and go read some memes instead. If I were you I'd get bored reading all about somebody else.
And believe me, this is going to be all about me. Me, me, me, me, and I don't have to feel bad about it.
Cause its MY blog. To do with what I will.
I have high hopes for this thing.
Can't wait to get started on talking about me. Love it.
Gonna get some pictures going, make it look like I'm really deep and artsy and mysterious and all that jazz. Or I don't know. Who knows what's is going to happen and what I'll do. I'm so indecisive about everything, I'm not even sure if I'm good at deciding things or not. So I just go with the flow.
Maybe I'll put up some pictures, maybe a few good lyrics, maybe I'll stop ranting on this post. Or maybe not.
I really have got to stop worrying about what's going to happen and just goooo wiiiith the floooow.
Que sera sera, am I right?

First

This is my first blog post ever in my entire life. I have no idea what I'm doing. I know that I SHOULD be studying. yahoo!